a series of shutters

i was thinking a lot today about how much more i knew when i was in high school... about life, myself, the world...

it's funny that the older i get, the more i realize how little i do know....

i just acquired fever to tell, and show your bones

and i fucking love the yeah yeah yeahs....

i just saw and heard two bats outside....

chloe fucking dao

will you ever be the same?

and it would not stink one bit



i just dropped my bottle of roberto cavalli cologne... it was a gift, and i actually liked it... i was planning on taking it to california but apparently the bottle had had enough, and committed suicide...


my bathroom smells good though

now that fedex came to take the 7 boxes...

slash my room is mess, but i will get everything done...

everything will get done, everything will get done, everything will get done

just fedexed the last three weeks worth of work/stress/latecatchingup/meetingdeadlinesandpanicattacks... and i feel a giant weight off my chest...

the 3rd project didnt turn out bad at all, the lines werent as neat as hed like i bet, but considering I did it... it's fucking fabulous

slash i had a nervous breakdown when i thought i left the second week's assignment at my moms... i thought the people below me were going to call 911...

slash... its ovvverrrr... slash not over, but im no longer behind.... god catching up in that class is intense

and there's a giant mess where my room used to be...



color wheel... of doom!
it takes a looooot more work than it looks like...



i was painting last night, and i looked down in the midst of mixing colors... and i found this



made me miss larry a bit more, slash he apparently is in the ER right now... he's hypoglycemic, and he hasnt been monitoring his sugar levels for years... anyway he felt queasy/faint/lowsugary this morning and food didnt help, so he went to the hospital. I think he's overstressed, underfed, and dehydrated.... hopefully everything's okay and its just his sugar levels...

everyone always asks, why me?...

does it really matter? is there an answer to the question? would you really want to hear it or stomach it? will it solve anything? will it make you feel better? why does everything have to revolve around us, why can't things just happen and the universe just exist without some plot/grandscheme/everythingoranythingatall involving you?

like the whole "meaning of life" question...
why does everything need a reason?... how many years, lives even, have been wasted trying to find the answer? its ironic that one can waste their entire existence trying to find a reason for it...



what if we're all just here, without an explanation, without a reason, without a god to save or condemn us?

some call it lack of faith or anarchy... i call it freedom

she's ovulating...


on the couch... and she is acting fucking nuts and beating up the younger one, and she has a mission

to bleed

all over



my bed.



and she will not stop getting into my room (and refusing to leave from the room unless hit on the ass with my scarf) when im not looking... (my door doesnt close properly, so theres a latch thingy on the inside) so i fucking had to lock it from the outside with a knife so i can be in the living room and not have her bleed on my bed...


slash

im upset... slash sad. partly from realizing how much i miss everyone already, but mainly from missing larry. I have no idea how we did the long distance thing ever, honestly. 6 months of living together will do that i guess... its been 5days... and i think i reached my "being away and being okay" limit... 2-3 days is bearable, 4 is iffy, and 5 is definitely the cut off... i miss having him next to me, if even just for an hour. i miss holding him, hugging him, kissing him, sleeping together... attacking him in the pantry... ::sigh:: good times

anyway, project. i could have finished it tonight by the scan deadline, but no i had to not work on it all day, so that i can finish it tomorrow, with just enough time to send it in to make the mail-in deadline... i think the combined stress from the past 5 days and always being "on" burned me out... slash i can never not do something unless its rushed...

my dog strained his back (the one i posted pics of), and larry took him to the vet cause he was crying (yeah, i know it makes me wanna cry thinking of it), and they gave him morphine and prednisone... i wish i was there to hold him...

slash apparently he feels better since i hear he wont stop running all over the house now...


the roommate in the hospital is still in the hospital and we're glad to find out his TB test came back negative, but he has PCP (we've both been vaccinated, and our numbers are too high to be susceptible) and really bad KS, and i think he has a staph infection too (staph lives everywhere, so if you have no immune system, then you're bound to get it... slash you're fucked), and lots more the drs wont tell us. he feels better but that's cause he's on more drugs than any of us can count.... we have to figure out where he's going to go if/when he gets out of the hospital... he can't come back to the house, he needs constant care, we're (larry, me, and the roommate's bf) going to start looking into hospice care for him...

branden called larry the other day and left a message saying he wanted to come over, which is bullshit slash he needs something/money/etc... i hope he makes it to rehab, i know he wont make it the 90 days (or 5 for that matter), but i just hope he makes it in the doors...



i hate being alone.... grr.... saturday saturday saturday

Mark Twain - "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect

i just

took

amazing photos downstairs in katey's laundry facility... and

i want


to edit/post them

like


sooooo bad

but if i dont do my homework, i wont make myy deadlines... and that sucks

cuz... they... are... awesome....

....fuck

after i spent the night in the burbs

and we were up til... now, talking about everything

and she reminded me one of my first words was apple... lol... figures...

slash

i couldnt say it properly, and i said "a-poh"...

slash my mom loves her iPod shuffle, and i loaded it with music last night and she was fucking playing it in the car on the way to my apt... and i didnt even know it.. she had to pause it and say "what??"... role reversal

slash


goodnight

and im only 10 days behind but still... really stressed over my portfolio deadlines for color/design, and seeing mom, and katey, and fedex, and packing my life into a million boxes, and... i will miss the immediate emotional support, but after a day or so ill buckle up and just get through...

slash we ate at clarke's last night (sara and larry and I), and Eddie (eduardo, THE clarke's waiter) was there and he saw larry and i and he was like "you're still together?"... and i told him yes and im leaving at the end of the month for SF and he said... "but.... i just can't believe you're still together" and proceeded to give larry a deathstare the whole time we were there... but otherwise it was bomb...

slash

did anyone know this happened?




slash

sara + larry are really missing each other already and he hasnt gotten on the plane yet...

there's always photos of cute kitties... and that makes me feel better...

The heat is chasing off all your friends
And their scattered bodies part to the shore again.
And I feel nothing, not sane.
It’s a hard day for dreaming again….

chocolate espresso beans+color&design project+3am= crazy fucking episodes

tegan and sara help

pweeses

awesome!!!
http://www.poz.com/articles/1_2641.shtml



FUCK!!!
http://www.poz.com/articles/1_2634.shtml

i got so stressed out over the project and getting an A on it and finishing it by monday that i just got really really tense

ive been squeezing a little jelly/jiggly pig that i have on my desk, and i took a cuddle break (with larry of course, not the pig), and i had something to drink and im calming... i just spent too much time feeling overwhelmed.... phew... okay.... annnnnnd i found the perfect antidote:

Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss"

You're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship. You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you Your flirting style: friendly and sweet What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive

Dear Erin,

A) it is MY wedding

B) i didnt set any definite plans or dates, we just would like august

october cannot work for us now....

love and not pissiness

Andrew

ps it will all get worked out, you guys flip out too easily

And it came to me then that every plan
Is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That I’ve already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself

‘Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes ‘round and everyone lift their heads
But I’m thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

So who’s gonna watch you die?

key

lime

pie

yogurt

so im fairly certain alejandro might be able to move in to my apartment for me, which is awesome on a million levels (for everyone involved) so im keeping my fingers crossed on that

um

my photo history class

is better

than your mom

...

i L O V E this class, soooooooooo much.... like best class ever.


and somehow i managed to complete my color and design assignment (the long way of painting/making a grayscale by hand) in a vicodin haze last weekend, and i got an A on the quiz so im fucking stoked about that class... slash i havent started on the lecture for this week, and im afraid to look at the homework assignment...

im flying back to california on the 25th, and unless i have to come back midmarch to straighten stuff out here, i wont be back til april (to visit my mom/katey/alejandro/sara), and then july for katey's bday and to move my heavy stuff in a uhaul across the country,

slash

we moved the wedding up to august

so im excited about that


and about going home... to the boyyyyyys....i took so many photos of them its crazeee

annnnnnnnnnnnd rilo kiley is amazing, and jenny lewis' solo album is beyond wods... and they both make great painting music

slash im going to try to have my own real (well quasi real) website by march. I want to have a fully dedicated blog on .mac (and use this for social crap/memes/randomness) and my own podcast?? Not that i think more than 2 people would subscribe, but i think id have lots of random shit to say about the move and school and... i dunnoo... thinking about the applications of it... slash i got iWeb and i heard it sucks but its better than pasting shit together though the .mac webpage, so im gonna use that and i upped my bandwidth and storage, so im gonna use it... sooo... yes... i will link to that when i get it up and runnin (i want it mainly to showcase my latest work, and the blog would be my blog as a photographer/student/newtocalifornian/newlywed)... anywho so yes... go back to your friends page......

Katey:
you sent me something for v-day
Me:
maybe
i refuse to comment
Katey:
but you kinda just told me
you sent me something and somewhat confirmed the address with me
Me:
i could have sent you a dead gerbil
so be afraid katey
very
very
afraid
Katey:
why would you send me a dead gerbil
Me:
::wheres my vicodin::
lol
Katey:
DO YOU HATE ME THAT MUCH!!!
you addict
Me:
lol
nes

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

Total Songs: 4470

Sort by song:
First Song: ...On the radio - Nelly Furtado
Last Song: Zulya - Saginou

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: Outro - Rilo Kiley
Longest Song: From Code in Ibiza - MC Face

Sort by artist:
First Artist: 1st Bass
Last Artist: Zohar

Sort by album:
First Album: 5 Songs Live from the Phoenix - EP (tegan and sara)
Last Album: You Can Play These Songs With Chords (deathcab for cutie)

Top Five Most Played Songs-- (all indigo girls... can you tell i just saw them two nights in a row at the fillmore two weeks ago?)
1. Fill it up again
2. Heartache for everyone
3. All That We Let in
4. Free in you
5. Perfect World

First song that comes up on Shuffle: To Youth (My Sweet Roisin Dubh) - Flogging Molly

Search ....
"sex", how many songs come up? 30
"death", how many songs come up? 51
"love", how many songs come up? 226
"hate", how many songs come up? 9
"you", how many songs come up? 440
"final", how many songs come up? 8

so the second attempt at intalling my new battery into my old (godicantbelievelastyearsmodelisold) ipod worked (the pair of tools that came with the battery broke, so i ordered "black stick" ones from a different manufacturer)... don't use the green ones, they will bend and crack right off... the angling on popping the case apart was interesting... and i scratched a geek itch i forgot i had... anyway now my ipod will last 20hrs (supposedly, the battery is a higher voltage than the original), not 4

slash

i got apple memory for my pb, can anyone use a 256 mb stick of sddram (pc2700)? low or no price....

i bought some weed, cause the vicodin is running out and the pain is intense when it wears off... so im spacing the pills farther apart and smoking half a bowl... seems to work, and hopefully less addictive than "vic"ing up every 4 hours

slash they had lance a larger hole in me, and repack me with gauze, it's still draining... and tomorrow they have to repack me again...

im gonna go into the office tomorrow rocked off my ass... and beg for more vicodin... this'll be interesting

slash

i bought my mom an ipod for valentines... they're getting rid of the shuffle line, and its so easy she can handle the interface (she can't work mine), and a perfect complement for her new latptop she just got... whoa... my mom has an ipod...

good job steve, good job

so, "phil" should have been named beelzebub, because not only was he a nasty staph (mrsa) infection who wanted to kill me, but he also required me to go to the ER

i went to the BYC to see a DR since i have limited healthcare/was scared of going to an ER earlier in the week and i thought they just had to give me antibiotics.

Actually last year i had a HORRIBLE case of MRSA (a virulent kind of staph that is resistant to one or more medicines) just before xmas break. It took me 2 weeks to seek treatment, because i had such deep, spreading, infections/abcesses that I couldn't stand, sit, walk, THINK anymore... and it took me 3 trials of antibiotics (all separate kinds, and two of which i shouldnt have been prescribed) and 6 weeks to be rid of of it... Apparently I had lots of abcesses but the dr's i saw didnt think they were, or didn't think they needed to be cut or drained, and thats why the antibiotics didn't work... and apparently the whole MRSA thing is relatively new, within the past 5 years, and my dr in indiana shouldnt be expected to know of it for some reason...

anyhow, i went to the byc and they took one look at it, and told me I had a very bad abcess and told me to go to the ER. great, i waited til friday for nothing, mind you a staph infection, like the one's ive had, feel like having a tattoo gun bored into your flesh 24/7, and no amount of ibuprofen or otc drugs will put anything more than a dent in it... so yes after over a week of being in mindsplitting pain, i finally went to the ER.

by the way, larry doesnt get back til tomorrow, and my roommate was visiting family out of the city, my mom is an hour and a half away (and honestly if she were there id be more stressed, and so would she), and alejandro doesn't have a phone right now... so i had no one to go with me to the hospital
and normally i dont care, i actually don't like to have ppl go with me to the dr or whatever...

but the pain and the fever had me at my wits end... and I am SCARED SHITLESS of Hospitals... SHITLESS... especially ERs

so i walked to IL masonic, larry talked to me the whole time and we texted the whole time i was there (cause i couldnt talk on my cell phone there)

it took me an hour, maybe hour and a half to be admitted, and there was some freaky people in the ER, which didnt help my anxiety

i unrobe and wait in the room in a gown, and they fuckin LEAVE ME for 20 minutes without anyone coming to talk to me or anything, and i swear to god i was crying and pacing nervously, and i started having a small nervous breakdown... i felt 5 years old... with no one at all to be there with me...

good thing was the nurse came in and she made me feel a good amount better, then the doctor who performed the procedure came in 10 mins later and told me the procedure, and the treatment, and he made me feel completely at ease... then the head dr came in and he was telling me about MRSA and how to properly treat it with two different antibiotics, one delivered nasally to ensure that it won't come back... and I was like... whoa, no one ever told me this, and no one (in all my staphexperience) had anywhere near this level of expertise... and i was so grateful to finally be treated properly, and by people who know about staph...

plus the dr that treated me was SO awesome, and he was a cute young straight butch dr, lancing a highly infectious staph abcess off an HIV+ queermo, and he wore a smile the whole time, conversed with me, apologized for making me scream, and made sure to give me stuff to bandage it and get me vicodin (which i had two of before they started the procedure, and i honestly dont think vicodin is all i had it cracked up to be... cuz i felt most of the procedure, but it helps...), and treated me so well... all the staff there made me feel SO at ease.

the last time i was in the ER was after a sexual assault, they had to do tests/rapekit/interrogation by police/etc a year ago
i went to lincoln park hospital... and i HATED it, not only was i very scarred when I went in, but was also coming down after being drugged...
from the triage nurse to the dr to the police officer, they looked at me with judgement/disgust and treated me accordingly...

it was so refreshing to have a good experience at a hospital, and with drs/nurses who actually care about you and your wellbeing (mental and physical)

and no im not gonna write about the actual surgery but suffice it to say that it was probably my 2nd or 3rd most painful experience, and i feel like i have a high pain tolerance....

but i feel so much better, im on an oral and nasal antibiotic, and the removal of that tattoo gun jamming itself into me after a week... is bliss

well maybe the vicodin makes it feel more bliss than relief, but whatever... my fever's gone, i don't feel like im gonna die anymore, and i can think straight... so happy

slash i ordered domino's to reward myself for that experience (and i couldnt go to the store this week and we have no food, and vicodin needs food)
and the delivery guy saw my medical bracelet and asked if i just came from the hospital, and I told him yes but i survived and he brought my reward, and he smiled and told me to get better....

nice people today

and responding to /engaging in/starting discussions/points etc

and it struck me

that one of two things is true

either im stuck in a class full of half-wits (in the nicest way possible) who have no idea how to interpret/discuss art or photography (which is fine, that's why we have class)...

or

i'm a egomaniacal postwhore who likes to spout forever about said topics and relentlessly push my ideologies/radicalcrazyphotographicalideals


...

but judging that the majority of the other students are above 25, have at least one child, are straight married housewives in a square/red state


i'd like to think that the former is true

then again i could just be huffed up on caffeine

either way, i don't think anyone in my class likes me, no one has posted ONE reply to anything i've posted so far...

whatever, it's cool to be the uncool kid, again... especially among soccer moms




jeeeeeeezus i need to get to bed and stop participating in caffeine fueled debates....

AIM IM with (-)fanaimara55.
12:16 AM
-PHIL!?
12:40 AM
+yes
+phil
-wow
+shut up you're just jealous you didn't get to name it
-what?
+i wasn't going to name it something evil and powerful
+like beelzebub
+cuz...
+then it just might overtake my body
+in a deadly and evil inferno
+no i named it phil
+like a washed up sales associate who can't meet his quota for the week
+and will soon be evicted
+from my ass
-OMG
-HAHAHAHAHA
+wow
+inspired moment there

so finally decided to get off my (rather painful) ass and get to the art supply store (utrecht on michigan avenue) to get the rest of my supplies for my art foundations course, becuase i needed them for an assignment due this week...

i was feverish, and achey, and suffering from a very painful infection... and i just thought... fuck this, im going to that store if i have to crawl on my hands and knees (i credit the fever with my "high-stakes" mentality) so i took a shower, tried to drain as much puss out of the infectiousgrossthing (i named it phil... yeah i know...), I took two swigs of cough syrup and 800mg of ibuprofen (once again, probably not the "smartest" thing to do but hey, i was on a mission), and limped my way out the door... by merchandise mart the medication started kicking in and all was a bit better...

got the rest of my supplies, then went to starbucks on lincoln (by my house) and they had mint syrup!!... i havent had a "mint" java chip frap in months, because they seasonally substitute peppermint or some shit like that, and a mint java chip frap is the best and only coffee drink... and i had one... slash i just finished sucking it down, and not only do i feel accomplished and medicated, but also... caffeinated... and that my friends... is conducive to artwork

yes

sirreeee

bob

::CALL AGAIN PLEASE

::I SUCK AT LIFE

::and lice

::did you know that lice is similar to life, same letters only with a c instead of an f. maybe the secert to life is lice? something to think about

can you please make an effort to ask around your circle of friends if anyone might be needing/willing/able to move into my apartment for me so that i can move out?

rent is 550, heat is included, though cooking gas isnt. Each half of the bills comes to about $50 every month. Phoneline (plus two phones), DSL, wireless router, fully furnished, two loving cats, i can even leave my dresser/bed/tvs/stereo/randomotherthings if needed.

the apartment is 1800 sq feet, and the lease is up after july. I'm literally a block from the brown line (western) and half a block from Tim...

comes with a fully functional roommate, who goes to depaul and works a 9-5, and is just plain awesome...

so yes... desperate cry for help... thanks

finally finished a reading assignment for my photo history and concepts course....

this online classes thing is sweet... like the discussions are asynchronous... it's like myspace, but with homework...

not really...

but i am enjoying it, and oddly enough, my art history class is not only engaging but I think I'm going to greatly enjoy it and excel at it

the art foundations course, coooooooouuuuuld be the death of me... i have to acquire more art supplies tommorrow since pearl sucks and didn't help me find my shit and were out of lots of things... and i have to learn to paint,like.... now....
the weekly time requirements for the class are listed as up to 25-30 hrs.... between that and my other class, im doing "school" 40-45 hrs a week...

even if i end up hating the color/design projects as they intensify... i can't bitch about boredom anymore


ps.... why do i get sick like, immediately when i get back to chicago??? 3 weeks in cali and not a sniffle... i land, and within 24 hours i'm sick... fucking midwestern colds... they're stronger ya know, and theyhave weird accents and insist on telling you that the living room is a "front room"... okay im just gonna go to bed....

pps i missed all/most of you... and if you'd like to do something sometime this month, im game

back in chicago... til the end of the month-ish...

until i can find someone to move into my apartment for me....

slight case of separation anxiety



classes... tomorrow... and i have to hop all over the loop and buy supplies and see if i dont have to order those books online...



i missed the el

saw matt at clarkes tonight, and his stake...

our certificate of domestic partnership came the other day, very happy, very very happy

i finally figured out fafsa/financialaid/moneyorlackthereof with my mom and im clear to register for classes this spring term
which... starts on the 30th... so, glad that finally happened.... a lot of stress relieved

back in chicago on the 29th, though ive finally decided to try to leave chicago by the end of february, my mom knows of this and is okay with it, naturally she'd want me to stay as long as possible, but she's cool.... and i've brought this up to my roommate a couple times, the last time I told her there was a very strong possibility that I couldn't stay til july... i feel bad... not bad, horrible. she didn't seem too upset at the prospect, but i feel like im abandoning her, and shed need someone else to move in to cover the rent...

if you know anyone who needs a place, and is an AWESOME person, and can handle the 550 rent (right off the brown line)... let me know?

i missed the boys, xcore

but i missed this bed more.....